Diary of the 6th Grade Kid!: LA PAT 2003 PART A narrative writing student examples marked and why

This are examples of students narrative writing that are graded and why.
You can use the picture and prompt to test yourself at home too!
PICTURE PROMT AT END

Grade 6 Writing Samples 2003
For Classroom Use

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Copyright 2003, the Crown in Right of Alberta, as represented by the Minister of Learning, Alberta Learning, Learner Assessment Branch, 44 Capital Boulevard, 10044 108 Street NW, Suite 800, Edmonton, Alberta T5J 5E6. All rights reserved.
Alberta educators may reproduce this bulletin for non-profit educational purposes.

GRADE 6 ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARTS WRITING GUIDE
Purpose
This document is designed to be used by teachers and students to enhance students’ writing and to assess this writing relative to the standards specified in the Grade 6 Narrative Writing Scoring Guide for the Grade 6 Provincial Achievement Test. The three components of this document are intended to be integral parts of the writing program used throughout the school year in grades 4, 5, and 6. This document has been developed in conjunction with Grade 6 teachers from throughout the province. These teachers have extensive experience teaching Grade 6 English Language Arts and in the marking process of the provincial achievement tests.
Contents
There are three components to this document:

Three writing samples with rationales that illustrate and explain how the scoring criteria fit each writing sample.
Grade 6 Self-Assessment Checklist (for students to use)
Grade 6 Narrative Writing Scoring Guide (for teachers to use)

Steps for Effective Use

Teachers familiarize themselves with each of the three components.
Teachers model writing skills to help students develop an awareness of and
proficiency in writing quality in the five scoring categories: Content, Organization,
Sentence Structure, Vocabulary, and Conventions.
Teachers work with the class to generate class stories. Then, teachers apply the
scoring criteria found in the Grade 6 Narrative Scoring Guide and Self-Assessment Checklist to the class-generated stories in order to teach students how to assess writing quality.
Students write individual stories and use the Self-Assessment Checklist to assess and enhance the quality of their writing.
Teachers use the writing samples and rationales to illustrate improvement in writing quality in all five scoring categories.

Assignment used for writing samples:
Use your imagination to write a story that the picture on page 2 has helped you think about.

Sample A
The Camping Adventure
One sunny day Jennifer and Michael were camping with there parents.
When they got to the campground they went for a walk to see the lake. All of a sudden a bright light started to shine on the water. They couldn’t believe it. “Hey Jennifer what is that” said Michael. “I don’t know” she said. Jennifer and Michael ran to get there canoe. They got in the canoe and started to paddle out to where the light was. The closer they got the light started to blink on and off. They saw it start to sink and then it went out. They hurried back to the camp. They told there parents what they saw, but they didn’t believe them. Everyone had hot dogs and salad for supper and desert Michaels parents said that it was time to go to sleep.
They had a good sleep and when woke up they had cerele for breakfast and went to play. Michael saw that light again. He said “Hey Jennifer theres that light again”. She said “quick lets get the canoe.” So they jumped in the canoe and started to go out to the light as fast as possible before it sank again. Just as they were getting there it went under. They were disapointed and decided to go exploring. They set out on foot and headed up a hill and stopped to rest. Jennifer saw a deer and a fawn. She said to Michael “look at the deer.” The deer seemed friendly so Michael walked over to take a picture. The deer looked at Michael and then ran away. Michael and Jennifer returned back to camp. By the time they got down they were hungry so they had lunch.
The next day they saw the light was shinning again. This time it started to flash blue and pink it started to move after them. All of the sudden a strange creture came out of the water and laid on the sand. They were excited and scared. The thing started to dry off in the sun and then fell

asleep. Michael and Jennifer sneeked up and touched it. It felt like warm slimy jello. Then they heard a voice. There mother was calling them. They went back to the camp. Everything was packed in the car. Michael told there parents about the creture but there parents thought they were playing a joke on them. It was time for them to leave and to return home. When they got home they never saw the creture again and they lived long and happy lives.

Sample A

Rationale for Marks

Score		Reporting Category
3	3 3 3 3	Content The context is established but may not be sustained (two children are on a camping trip with their parents and the children repeatedly see a light on the nearby lake). The majority of the ideas and events are appropriate for the established context (“they went for a walk,” “They got in the canoe,” and “They hurried back to the camp”). Supporting details are appropriate, general, and predictable (“They couldn’t believe it,” “the deer looked at Michael,” and “They were excited and scared”). The writing generally holds the reader’s interest.
3	3 3 3 3	Organization The introduction directly presents information about events, characters, and setting (“One sunny day Jennifer and Michael were camping with there parents”). Events and details are arranged in a discernible order, although coherence falters occasionally (“Michael saw that light again,” “it went under,” and “decided to go exploring”). Connections and relationships among events, actions, details and characters are generally maintained (“They told there parents what they saw” and “Michael told there parents about the creture”). The ending is predictable and contrived but is connected to events and actions.
3	3 3 3	Sentence Structure Sentence structure is generally controlled (“They had a good sleep” and “Michael and Jennifer sneeked up”). Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and varied (“ ‘Hey Jennifer what is that’ ” and “By the time they got down...”). Some variety of sentence beginnings is evident (“All of a sudden...,” “The deer seemed...,” and “Everything was packed...”).

3	3 3	V ocabulary Words and expressions are generally used appropriately (“hurried back,” “go exploring,” and “time for them to leave”). General words and expressions are sometimes used where specific words and expressions would have been more effective (“got in the canoe,” “ran away,” and “The thing”).
3	3 3	Conventions • The quality of the writing is maintained through generally correct use of conventions. • Errors that are present occasionally reduce the clarity of the communication (“cerele,” “shinning,” and “creture”).

Sample B
Lock Ness Lake
Me and my sister Ashley had been coming to Lock Ness Lake for
summer holidays as long as I could remember. There were rumors that there was a monster in the lake and I wanted to see it, but Mom and Dad just liked to come to the lake to camp, fish, and enjoy nature.
The lake was surounded by trees and there was only one road going down to the lake. We usually had the lake to our self’s so we were surprized to see another car parked near the lake when we arrived to set up camp.
After setting up camp and getting the boat down to the water, Mom and Dad realized that they had forgotten to pack bug spray and marshmellows, so they decided to go back to town to get some. Before driving away they said goodbye and that they’d be back for supper in one hour. “Jeremy, wait until we’re back before you take the boat out,” yelled Mom waving out the window. My sister is cautious and careful. Me, I’m curious and nosey. Mom was always glad when my sister was with me. She said that I won’t get into trouble and she wouldn’t have to worry about us.
Once Mom and Dad were gone we decided to go down to the water to explore the shore. All of a sudden something caught my eye. Way in the distance I could see a bright flashing light, “What’s that!” I yelled to my sister, with excitement.
“It looks like a UFO” said Ashley. I thought it looked more like some kind of an SOS signal. “What if somebody’s in trouble?” I said to my sister who was starting to look very worried. “Jeremy, don’t be getting any ideas. You’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking, are you? You heard what Mom said about taking the boat.” I just smiled. I went for the boat. As I jumped in I put on my life-jacket, started the engine and yelled for her to get

in. She stumbled into the front of the boat and we slowly started across the lake. We made our way across the lake I could see that the light was coming from a place on the shore at the other end of the lake. The closer we got the better we could see the light. “It’s two guys holding a mirror, and it looks like they are trying to signal us for help.” Ashley screamed.
When we got to shore, we found two older boys and were they ever glad to see us. They told us that their boat hit some rocks during a storm the day before and they were stranded. They were forced to spend the night in a shelter they made with no fire. As me and Ashley helped them into our boat, we noticed that they seemed exhausted and hungry.
As we returned to camp, one of the guys said, “It’s sure good to see our car again.” Then, we said goodbye to our new friends, just as Mom and Dad arrived back. “Who was that?” asked Mom. “Oh just some guys who were looking for the monster in the lake,” said Jeremy as he gave his sister a wink.

Sample B

Rationale for Marks

Score		Reporting Category
4	5 4 4 4	Content • The context is clearly established and sustained (a brother and sister explore the source of a bright light while on their summer holidays). The ideas and events are appropriate for the established context (“After setting up camp,” “we decided to go down to the water to explore,” and “ ‘What’s that!’ I yelled”). Supporting details are specific and generally effective (“they had forgotten to pack bug spray and marshmellows,” “As I jumped in I put on my life-jacket,” and “they were stranded”). The writing engages and generally holds the reader’s interest.
4	5 4 4 4	Organization The introduction is purposeful, interesting, and clearly establishes events, characters, and setting, and provides direction for the writing (“had been coming to Lock Ness Lake for summer holidays” and “There were rumors that there was a monster”). Events and details are arranged in paragraphs, in a purposeful order, and coherence is generally maintained (“I wanted to see it,” “something caught my eye,” and “ ‘some guys who were looking for the monster’ ”). Connections and relationships among events, actions, details, and characters are maintained (“I’m curious and nosey,” “it looked more like some kind of an SOS signal,” and “their boat hit some rocks during a storm”). The ending provides an appropriate finish for events and actions (“Then, we said goodbye to our new friends, just as Mom and Dad arrived back”).
4	4 4 4	Sentence Structure Sentence structure is controlled (“Before driving away...” and “She stumbled into the front of the boat...”). Sentence type and sentence length are usually effective and varied (“We usually had...,” “I just smiled,” and “When we got to shore...”). Sentence beginnings are often varied (“The lake...,” “Way in the distance...,” and “ ‘You’re not thinking...’ ”).

4	4 4	V ocabulary Words and expressions are used accurately and often effectively (“bright flashing light” and “forced to spend the night”). Specific words and expressions are frequently used to create images and to add clarity to details (“waving out the window,” “cautious and careful,” and “exhausted and hungry”).
4	4 4	Conventions • The quality of the writing is sustained because it contains only minor convention errors. • Errors that are present rarely reduce the clarity or interrupt the flow of the communication (“Me and my sister,” “had the lake to our self’s,” and “a shelter they made with no fire”).

Sample C
The Eighth Sister
I don’t want you to go into those woods alone again, Nathan. For as
long as I have lived here on our acreage just south of Starsville with my dad, mom, and two sisters there have been stories of people going missing. My dad repeated his warning again. His concern was clear. I wish now that I had listened to him.
One evening, last week I was busy finishing my science homework as I thought of the class earlier that day. Mr. Brown, my science teacher, had told the class, “After dark, go outside and look eastward, opposite from where the sun is setting. Look a little ways up into the night sky, and then look for a fluffy spot. It’s very easy to find. Look really close and you’ll see seven tiny stars close together. It’s Pleiades, known as the Seven Sisters. Its called that because in earlier times people thought they were a group of sisters who had been put into the sky as a little group of stars.”
“Right, right”, I had thought then.
Now trying to concentrate on my work, a strange yellowish light suddenly caught my attention from somewhere in the woods. For some strange reason I could not take my eyes off of it. My work did not seem important any longer. I had to find the light and for some unknown reason I felt that I needed to bring along my older and braver sister, Alysha.
I slipped out of my room, and then sneeked passed the family room where dad, mom, and my younger sister Susan sat glued to the T.V. I entered Alysha’s bedroom. As the door creeked I could see her staring at the computer screen, surfing through some favourite sites, anything to do with astronomy. I whispered, “Alysha!” She turned to me with a surprised look on her face. “What?” she replied.

“Shhh!” I answered back.
I explained to her what I had saw through my bedroom window and that she had to see for herself. After quietly making our way back to my room and looking at the light through the window, she agreed. We had to go!
The night was cool and we could feel the excitement as we got closer to the woods and we made our way closer and closer to the light. The sky was crystal clear and a cluster of stars shone overhead. “Pleiades”, I remembered from science class.
Walking through the garden and into the woods, we were careful not to step on any branches that might make noise. I stumbled on a root sticking out of the ground. I fell and banged my head against a tree. Slowly getting up, I shook my head. My head throbbed and everything was blurry. As my senses returned I stuttered, “Wait, where are we going, what are we doing?” Alysha turned to look at me, and said, “Remember, follow the light”
“Follow the light?” I asked. “What are you talking about?” I turned my head and saw the light near the edge of the lake.
It shimmered on the water. Our curiosity now became stronger. We stood there confused! I felt scared and tried to run. I realized Alysha was not by my side. Unable to move, I saw beams of light moving towards her. It was as if she were frozen. Slowly coming closer and closer, the light reached her. Rays of blue light seemed to take a hold of her and then moved her back towards the light.
Without being able to move, she moved slowly towards the light. I felt scared but I could not shout to her. I felt the urge to run to her, but could not move my legs. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Then Alysha seemed to disappear into the light! As quickly as it had appeared, it disappeared and I was left there staring at the trees.

On my way back home I felt tired and confused. I kept repeating that it was all a dream, yet I felt awake and aware of where I was. Stopping to catch my breath, I leaned against a tree. I looked up into the sky, and where Mr. Brown had said there would be the Seven Sisters, I thought I counted eight.
The silence was broken by dad’s frantic voice, “Are you O.K? What are you doing out here? Didn’t I tell you not to go into the woods alone?
“Where’s Alysha?” I asked anxciously. My eyes moved away from my dad. I looked at my younger sister Susan who was standing next to my dad with a puzzled look on her face!

Sample C

Rationale for Marks

Score		Reporting Category
5	5 4 5 5	Content The context clearly established and sustained (a brother and sister set out to find the source of a strange light). The ideas and events are appropriate for the established context (“there have been stories of people going missing,” “I needed to bring along my older and braver sister,” and “Alysha seemed to disappear into the light”). Supporting details are specific and consistently effective (“a strange yellowish light” and “we could feel the excitement”). The writing captivates and holds the reader’s interest and is original.
5	5 5 5 5	Organization The introduction is purposeful, interesting, and clearly establishes events, characters, and setting, and provides direction for the writing (“I don’t want you to go into the woods alone again” and “I wish now that I had listnened to him”). Events are arranged in paragraphs, in a purposeful and effective order, and coherence is maintained (“One evening, last week,” “We had to go,” and “ ‘Remember, follow the light’ ”). Connections and relationships among events, actions, details, and characters are consistently maintained (“ ‘It’s Pleiades, known as the Seven Sisters,’ ” “a cluster of stars shone overhead,” and “I thought I counted eight”). The ending ties events and actions together.
5	5 5 5	Sentence Structure Sentence structure is effectively and consistently controlled (“ ‘After dark, go outside and look eastward, opposite from where the sun is setting’ ” and “I felt the urge to run to her, but could not move my legs”). Sentence type and sentence length are consistently effective and varied (“His concern was clear” and “I slipped out of my room, and then sneeked passed the family room where dad, mom, and my younger sister Susan sat glued to the T.V.”). Sentence beginnings are consistently varied (“Mr. Brown, my science teacher...,” “I explained to her...,” and “Walking through the garden...”).

5	5 5	V ocabulary Words and expressions are predominantly used accurately and effectively (“trying to concentrate,” “suddenly caught my attention,” and “tired and confused”). Specific words and expressions are used to create vivid images and to enrich details (“crystal clear,” “shimmered,” and “frantic”).
5	5 5	Conventions • The quality of writing is enhanced because it is essentially error-free. • Errors, if present, do not reduce the clarity or interrupt the flow of the communication (“Its called that,” “creeked” and “anxciously”).

Student Checklist
Content

Focus
When considering CONTENT appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, you should consider how effectively you have
• established a context
• used ideas and/or events that are appropriate for the established context
• used specific details (of characters, setting, actions, events, etc.) • demonstratesd an awareness of audience

Meets the
Standard of Excellence
5

• The context is clearly established and sustained.

Approaches the Standard of Excellence
4

• The ideas and/or events are consistently appropriate for the established context.

• Supporting details are specific and consistently effective.

• The writing captivates and holds the reader’s interest and is creative and/or original.

• The context is clearly established and generally sustained.

• The ideas and/or events are appropriate for the established context.

• Supporting details are specific and generally effective.

• The writing engages and generally holds the reader’s interest.

Clearly Meets the Acceptable Standard
3

• The context is established but may not be sustained.

• The majority of the ideas and/or events are appropriate for the established context.

• Supporting details are appropriate, general, and may be predictable.

• The writing generally holds the reader’s interest.

Organization

Focus
When considering ORGANIZATION appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, you should consider how effectively you have

introduced the topic/subject
followed a coherent order
established connections and/or relationships among events, actions, details, and/or
characters
brought closure to the writing

• Events and/or details are arranged in paragraphs, in a purposeful and effective order, and coherence is maintained.

Meets the
Standard of Excellence
5

• The introduction is purposeful, interesting, and clearly establishes events, characters, and/or setting, and provides direction for the writing.

• Connections and/or relationships among events, actions, details, and/or characters are consistently maintained.

• The ending ties events and/or actions together.

Approaches the Standard of Excellence
4

• The introduction clearly establishes events, characters, and/or setting, and provides direction for the writing.

• Events and/or details are arranged in paragraphs, in a purposeful order, and coherence is generally maintained.

• Connections and/or relationships among events, actions, details, and/or characters are maintained.

• The ending provides an appropriate finish for events and/or actions.

Clearly Meets the Acceptable Standard
3

• The introduction directly presents information about events, characters, and/or setting.

• Events and/or details are arranged in a discernible order, although coherence may falter occasionally.

• Connections and/or relationships among events, actions, details, and/or characters are generally maintained.

• The ending is predictable and/or contrived but is connected to events and/or actions.

Sentence Structure

Focus
When considering SENTENCE STRUCTURE appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, you should consider the extent to which
• sentence structure is controlled
• sentence type and sentence length are effective and varied • sentence beginnings are varied

Meets the
Standard of Excellence
5

• Sentence structure is effectively and consistently controlled.

• Sentence type and sentence length are consistently effective and varied.

• Sentence beginnings are consistently varied.

Approaches the Standard of Excellence
4

• Sentence structure is controlled.

• Sentence type and sentence length are usually effective and varied.

• Sentence beginnings are often varied.

Clearly Meets the Acceptable Standard
3

• Sentence structure is generally controlled, but lapses may occasionally impede the meaning.

• Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and/or varied.

• Some variety of sentence beginnings is evident.

V ocabulary

Focus
When considering VOCABULARY appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, you should consider the extent to which you use
• words and expressions accurately and effectively • specific words and expressions

Meets the
Standard of Excellence
5

• Words and expressions are predominately used accurately and effectively.

• Specific words and expressions are used to create vivid images and/or to enrich details.

Approaches the Standard of Excellence
4

• Words and expressions are used accurately and often effectively.

Clearly Meets the Acceptable Standard
3

• Specific words and expressions are frequently used to create images and/or to add clarity to details.

• Words and expressions are generally used appropriately.

• General words and expressions are sometimes used where specific words and expressions would have been more effective.

Conventions

Focus
When considering CONVENTIONS appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, you should consider the extent to which you have control of
• mechanics (spelling, punctuation, capitalization, indenting for new speakers, etc.) and usage (subject–verb agreement, pronoun–antecedent agreement, etc.)
• clarity and flow of the communication
Proportion of error to length and complexity of response must be considered.

Meets the
Standard of Excellence
5

• The quality of the writing is enhanced because it is essentially error-free.

• Errors, if present, do not reduce the clarity or interrupt the flow of the communication.

Approaches the Standard of Excellence
4

• The quality of the writing is sustained because it contains only minor convention errors.

Clearly Meets the Acceptable Standard
3

• Errors that are present rarely reduce the clarity or interrupt the flow of the communication.

• The quality of the writing is maintained through generally correct use of conventions.

• Errors that are present occasionally reduce the clarity or interrupt the flow of the communication.

FOCUS

When marking CONTENT appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, the marker should consider how effectively the writer

When marking ORGANIZATION appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, the marker should consider how effectively the writer

When marking SENTENCE STRUCTURE appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, the marker should consider the

When marking VOCABULARY appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, the marker should consider the extent to which the writer uses

When marking CONVENTIONS appropriate for Grade 6 narrative writing, the marker should consider the extent to which the writer has control of

Meets the Standard of Excellence

• The context is clearly established and sustained.

• The introduction is purposeful, interesting, and clearly establishes events, characters, and/or setting, and provides direction for the writing.

• Sentence structure is effectively and consistently controlled.

• Words and expressions are predominately used accurately and effectively.

• The quality of the writing is enhanced because it is essentially error-free.

Approaches the Standard of Excellence

• The context is clearly established and generally sustained.

• The introduction clearly establishes events, characters, and/or setting, and provides direction for the writing.

• Sentence structure is controlled.
• Sentence type and sentence length are

• Words and expressions are used accurately and often effectively.

• The quality of the writing is sustained because it contains only minor convention errors.

Clearly Meets the Acceptable Standard

• The context is established but may not be sustained.

• The introduction directly presents information about events, characters, and/or setting.

• Sentence structure is generally controlled, but lapses may occasionally impede the meaning.

• Words and expressions are generally used appropriately.

• The quality of the writing is maintained through generally correct use of conventions.

Clearly Below the Acceptable Standard

• The context may be unclear and/or not sustained.

• The introduction may be confusing.
• The arrangement of events and/or details is

• Sentence structure generally lacks control, and this often impedes the meaning.

• General words that convey only vague meanings are used.

• The quality of the writing is limited by the consistently incorrect use of conventions.

• Supporting details are specific and consistently effective.

• Sentence beginnings are consistently varied.

• Supporting details are specific and generally effective.

• The majority of the ideas and/or events are appropriate for the established context.
• Supporting details are appropriate, general,

• Events and/or details are arranged in a discernible order, although coherence may falter occasionally.

• Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and/or varied.

• General words and expressions are sometimes used where specific words and expressions would have been more effective.

• Errors that are present occasionally reduce the clarity or interrupt the flow of the communication.

Does Not Clearly Meet the Acceptable Standard

• The context is vaguely established and may not be sustained.

• The introduction provides little information. • The arrangement of events and/or details is

• Sentence structure sometimes lacks control, and this may impede the meaning.

• Words and expressions are sometimes used appropriately.

• The quality of the writing is weakened by the frequently incorrect use of conventions.

events, actions, details, and/or characters are

• There is little variety of sentence beginnings.

events, actions, details, and/or characters are

• There is no variety of sentence beginnings.

INSINSUFFICIENT

• The student has written so little that it is not possible to assess the content.

events and/or actions.
• The writing has been awarded an INS for

• The writing has been awarded an INS for Content.

CONTENT

ORGANIZATION

SENTENCE STRUCTURE

VOCABULARY

CONVENTIONS

establishes a context
uses ideas and/or events that are

• introduces the topic/subject
• follows a coherent order
• establishes connections and/or relationships

• writer’s control of sentence structure • effectiveness and variety of sentence

• words and expressions accurately and effectively

• mechanics (spelling, punctuation, capitalization, indenting for new speakers, etc.) and usage (agreement of subject–verb, agreement of pronoun–antecedent, etc.)

appropriate for the established context
• uses specific details (of characters, setting,

among events, actions, details, and/or

type and sentence length
• variety of sentence beginnings

• specific words and expressions

actions, events, etc.)
• demonstrates an awareness of audience

characters
• brings closure to the writing

• clarity and flow of the communication